oldjokes

More Irish

2005-10-23T21:20:00.000-04:00

Two Irishmen were strolling down Fifth Avenue in New York when they walked past a bar...
Well, it could happen.
Peggy Noonan wrote that a well-balanced Irishman was one with a chip on each shoulder.
An Irish seven-course dinner: A baked potato and a six-pack of Guinness.
Oh, what's written on the bottom of a bottle of Guinness? "Open other end."
What's written on the cap? "See other end for instructions."
My favorite Irishman was one who was washed off a ship. He struggled with superhuman effort and swam and swam and swam and swam ... and finally reached some unknown shore. With his last ounce of strength, he pulled himself by his fingertips up onto the beach, barely reaching beyond high tide. After struggling to regain his breath, he raised his head and said, "If there's a government here, I'm against it."

Survival

2005-10-23T20:12:00.000-04:00

Stranded on the proverbial desert isle with only a can of pork and beans among them were an engineer, an architect, and a Federal Reserve Board economist.
After drying out and resting, they began discussing how to open the can of beans.
The engineer said, "Oh, that's easy. We just build a fire under the can. As it heats, the contents will expand, and soon the can will burst open."
"Dumb," interrupted the architect. "All the beans will be scattered everywhere. First we should erect a building around the can so when it bursts the beans will be kept inside."
"No, no, no," said the Fed economist. "First we assume a can opener ..."

Unnecessary?

2005-10-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

God was walking along, minding His own business, when a scientist jumped out at Him and sneered, "Hey, we don't need you any more."
God was, naturally, a little surprised, but responded, of course, politely. "What do you mean?"
The scientist said, "We don't need you. We don't. I mean, we can even create life, just as you did."
God rose to the challenge and said, "OK, let's have a showdown."
So God and the scientist met at a stadium. God reached down and picked up some dirt. The scientist reached down ...
And God interrupted, "Unh, unh, unh. Get your own dirt."

Changing light bulbs

2005-10-23T19:58:00.000-04:00

After the first "How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb," there came a veritable river of "how many ..." jokes.
How many he-men does it take ...?
How many Jewish mothers does it take ...?
How many psychiatrists ...?
How many preservationists ...?
How many bureaucrats ...?
This is your chance to tell the world your favorite "how many ..." joke.
Please don't use one that has as punchline "... and the rest to savor the experience."
And nothing that you wouldn't tell your very proper grandma or minister, please.
Please feel free to supply the punchline to any of the above, too.

I'll see you in ... Where?

2005-06-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

One day, God was out surveying His realm and he wandered into the North 40. And He saw something that made him Angry: The fence between His property and The Other Guy's had been moved, nearly 100 feet further in!
Oh, He was Mad, and when He looked over the fence he saw The Other Guy watching.
God said majestically, "Move that fence back where it belongs."
TOG just grinned.
God, Fuming, said, "MOVE that FENCE back WHERE it beLONGS!"
The former angel just ... dare we say it? ... thumbed his nose at God!
Oh, God was really Steaming now. He said, gritting His teeth, "You better move that fence or I'll ... I'll ... I'll ..."
And Satan was grinning even more. "You'll what?" he sniggered cockily. "You'll what?"
God managed to snarl, "I'll SUE!"
And the ol' devil just rolled around on the ground, he was laughing so hard. "Where are You gonna get a lawyer?"

Silence is ... green?

2005-06-16T18:22:00.000-04:00

Christian O'Sullivan had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had won the top prizes on all the Irish game shows. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did, and won a place.
On the evening of the competition, Christian enters from the crowd and places himself on the leather seat and makes himself comfortable. The lights dim and a spot light points at his face.
The host says, "Christian, what subject are you studying?"
Christian responds, "Irish history."
"Very well" says the host, "your first question: In what year did the Easter Rising take place?"
Christian responds, "Pass."
"OK," says the host, "who was the leader of the Easter Rising?"
Christian responds, "Pass."
The host tries again: "How long did the Easter Rising last?"
Christian responds, "Pass"
A voice shouts from the crowd, "Good man, Christian. Tell the English nothing!"

A tulip by any other ...

2005-05-27T17:38:00.000-04:00

An all-female Bluegrass band from San Francisco took on the perfect name, The Good Ol' Persons.
A club of Jewish motorcycle riders from New Jersey is named Hillel's Angels. Their ride of choice is Harley ben Davids.
When I saw a sign for an out-of-business optometrist's office that read "Currier," I suggested it might be thriving if it had been named "Currier and Eyes."

How do you steam a clam?

2005-05-27T17:26:00.000-04:00

1) Insult his mother.

2) Tell him his politics is nutty.

3) Laugh at his religion.

4) Have him write an intelligent, literate, reasonable, correctly spelled Letter to the Editor of the Chattanooga Times Free Press and then read the indecipherable, moronic mess the mis-called "copy editor" makes of it.

Manifest Destiny

2005-05-09T19:49:00.000-04:00

NASA, preparing for the Apollo project, did some astronaut training on some Navajo Indian reservation land.
One day, an elderly Navajo and his son were herding sheep nearby and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He declined, apparently embarrassed.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation headquarters at Window Rock, where the elected leaders of the tribe listened and laughed, but they also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called on an official government translator from the Bureau of Indian Affairs. He reported that the message to the moon said: "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

Blew notes

2005-05-02T17:10:00.000-04:00

When a certain famous jazz musician bought several agricultural acres, he raised the eyebrows of his bucolic neighbors when they found out he fed his bovine creatures ink.
He explained later, when he got back to the band circuit, "The best part of farming, I found, was when the cows mooed indigo."

Green and bear it

2005-03-17T09:25:00.002-05:00

The Sligo-born Father O'Morrison's reputation for castigating the Brits from the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new parish of Boston, Mass., tired of his lambasting the Brits for the horrors they had inflicted upon the Irish for generations.
Ultimately, the Archbishop opted to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of Tennessee where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and care less. So knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."
Several weeks later, when Father O'Morrison stood at the pulpit to deliver his first sermon to his new congregation, the local bishop, who knew of O'Morrison's reputation, was in attendance to check up on him.
"My dear brethren," Father O'Morrison began, "this morning I'd like to talk about The Last Supper."
Not bad, though the bishop. Safe enough ground.
"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ knew He'd been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst sin of all. A sin never forgiven by God or man," thundered Father O'Morrison.
Fair enough, thought the bishop.
"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you, Peter,' He asked, 'who betrayed me?' 'Not I, my Lord,' answered Peter.
"'Was it you, John?' 'Not I, my Lord.'
"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who was sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. 'Was it you, Judas, who betrayed me?' asked Christ, and Judas responded, 'Wot? Me? Blimey! Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud.'"

Hoot, mon

2005-03-02T23:23:00.000-05:00

According to the hysterical records, bagpipes were invented by the Irish, who gave them to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
In Scotland, the definition of "a gentleman" is "someone who can play the bagpipes -- and doesn't."
Why do bagpipers march so fast? Trying to get away from that noise.

Kids, just skip this one

2005-03-02T23:21:00.000-05:00

Bing Crosby and Phil Harris were on tour in Scotland and they went on an overnight expedition, grouse hunting or fishing or something.
In the dark, they spied a factory with lights all ablaze. Looking closer, they saw it was a distillery.
Crosby said to Harris, "Well, Phil, it looks as if that place is making it faster than you can drink it."
"Maybe so," rasped Harris, "but you notice I got 'em working nights."

What do you get ...?

2005-02-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

When you cross a spider with a horse? I don't know what it's called but the scientist who performed the research was able to ride it to the hospital when it bit him.
When you cross a sponge with a potato? Again I don't know its name, and it tastes terrible, but it sure soaks up a lot of gravy.
When you cross a rooster with a rooster? Two cross roosters.

Seeing is ...

2005-02-11T23:52:00.000-05:00

Dan Landrum (http://www.danlandrum.com) has become a world-renowned performer on the hammered dulcimer.
In his younger days, as a student at a Seventh-day Adventist college in Tennessee, he was having a religious discussion with an interested non-Adventist.
Landrum told his friend, "People ask me, 'Do you believe in dancing?' and I tell them, 'Believe in it! Why, I've seen it with my own eyes!'"

Icy blood?

2005-02-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

It's not widely known, but the University of North Dakota Medical School was the site of the world's first appendix transplant.
UND is known across the world for its aeronautics training, and students come from many countries to attend.
Some students are sent by their governments for training as pilots.
The UND School of Aeronautics earned part of its reputation when research scientists on the staff invented the world's first ejector seat for helicopters.
For some reason, though, it was not given a patent.

Bombing

2005-02-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

Again in the news is the group known as ETA, which wants to separate its community from Spain.
What the so-called "news" media continue to refuse to tell the rest of the world is that ETA has a very stringent rule for its members: Every one joining ETA must -- MUST -- have two back doors in his home.
The ETA leaders want to be sure, in case of a raid by the Spanish police or army, that they don't get caught with all their Basques in one exit.

Happy New Year

2005-02-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

We've paraded the dragon, shot off the fireworks, drunk our toasts -- and I'm STILL writing "4071" on my chekcs!

Take two jokes and call me ...

2005-02-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

Going to the doctor to learn of the lab results, the man is told by his doctor, "I've got bad news and worse news."
The man collapses on the chair, and says, "Well, start with the bad news."
Doctor: "The lab results tell me you have 24 hours to live."
The man is nearly prostrate now. "My heavens! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor: "I should have told you yesterday."

A few days late, still ...

2005-02-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

February 2 was Groundhog Day and also the State of the Union Address.
It was an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a subterranean rodent.

Tradition

2005-02-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

In Fayetteville, Tennessee, a tow truck driver tells this story. "I went to the scene of a rear-ender collision on the highway leading to Huntsville. A farmer heading home had turned off the highway but his pickup got smacked in the rear.by a car. I got there just in time to hear the Highway Patrol officer ask, 'Zeke, did you signal your turn?' Zeke answered, 'Wull, whyfore I gotta signal? Heck, I been turning there for 23 years!'"

Parlee Voo Franglay?

2005-02-05T19:56:00.000-05:00

When the Boston lady got separated from the rest of her tour group, so she could check a very frou-frou boutique, the guide miscounted and signaled the bus driver to head for the next stop.
The Bostonian saw the bus driving away and hastily grabbed her French-English dictionary.
"Attendez, garcon," she shouted, madly thumbing through it. "Je ... suis ... gauche ... derriere."

Praise him from ...

2005-02-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

Two guards, a U.S. Marine and a Cuban military policeman, were patrolling the fence separating the United States holding and the rest of Cuba when they came to a pause across from each other.
After chatting a few minutes, the Marine looked at his watch, yawned, and said, "I'll be off duty in another hour, thank God."
The Cuban also looked at the Marine's watch and said, "I'll be off duty in an hour, too, thank Castro."
"'Thank Castro'?" echoed the Marine. "That seems like a strange prayer. What would you say if Castro were dead?"
"Thank God."

What kind of pun-ishment?

2005-02-04T01:33:00.000-05:00

Didja hear about the economics student who is either geographically ignorant or is a potential banker to avoid?
He said the richest country in the world must be Ireland. After all, its capital has been Dublin for years.
Then there was the California high school student who bragged that she could name all the capitals of all the states.
Someone who wanted to give her a hard one asked, "What is the capital of Vermont?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "It's 'V.'"

Lawyers joke?

2005-02-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

State court judge Woody Smith, speaking to a group in Albuquerque several years ago, ended his talk by asking, "Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?"
Naturally the numbers guessed at were huge, but Judge Smith contradicted: "No, no. There are only three. All the rest are true stories."

Two chances

2005-02-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Besides the two old-party candidates themselves, the best joke of the 1992 presidential campaign was this one, told by Arkansas' Bill Clinton: We had an old boy back in Hope, was a veterinarian and a taxidermist; his motto was, Either way, you get your dog back.

Uncredited

2005-02-01T01:11:00.000-05:00

This man walks into a saloon in suburban Zebulon, Georgia, carrying a dog under his arm.
He sits on a stool at the bar, and lays his dog onto the bar.
The bartender, coming over to take his order, notices the little dog doesn't have any legs.
He asks, "What would you like?"
The man asks for two beers, one in a saucer.
The bartender brings them, sets the saucer, without being told, in front of the legless dog.
He stands there, waiting to see if the man starts any conversation. The man doesn't.
B: "Say, that's an interesting looking dog."
M: "Yep."
B: "I see he doesn't have any legs."
M: "Nope."
Pause.
B: "Uh, what's his name?"
M: "Doesn't have one."
B: "Doesn't have one?"
M: "Nope."
B: "Why not?"
M: "If I called him, he wouldn't come."

Nu's on first?

2005-01-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

So the rabbi and the priest were going into the Golden Dragon Chinese Buffet and the priest says, "Sure, and we've got Catholics in China, too. Are there any Jews there?"
Rabbi Goldstein paused at the entrance and, looking at Father O'Kelly, said, "I don't know. Maybe I can ask the waiter."
So they sat down and when the waiter came over to take their drink orders, the rabbi asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter bowed apologetically and answered, "I not know. I ask cookie. He know evlything."
When the two diners had got their plates and returned to the table, the waiter came back with their tea and told them, "Cookie say there are olange juice, apple juice, and tomato juice, but no Chinese Jews."

Change

2005-01-30T13:30:00.000-05:00

The befuddled Marxist orator (but is there any other kind?) was denouncing the evil capitalist system:
"Under capitalism, men oppress their brothers.
"But under communism, it is just the reverse!"

Pollster

2005-01-30T06:18:00.000-05:00

The man from the Trotter Poll approached the farmhouse, knocked, and was greeted by the farmer's wife.
"Madam, I'm conducting a poll to learn the political leanings of people. May I ask the politics of everyone in this home?"
The lady thought a moment, than answered, "Well, my mother-in-law is a Republican, my father-in-law is a Democrat, I'm a Libertarian, my husband's a Green."
She thought another moment, and continued, "The baby's wet, the cow's dry, and the dog's a Socialist."
The pollster, busy scribbling, was taken a bit aback.
"Uh, ma'am, I understand about your in-laws, and your being a Libertarian, and your husband's being a Green. And I think it's kinda funny about the baby's being wet and the cow dry, but what do you mean your dog's a Socialist?"
"Oh, I mean he doesn't do anything all day but sit around and howl."

Comparisons

2005-01-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

Father O'Kelly and Rabbi Goldstein are friends and enjoy bickering about the merits of their respective religions, each knowing his was superior and trying constantly to impress that fact upon the other.
At their weekly lunching together, they've entered Golden Coral restaurant, each claiming his religion is more widespread than the other's.
"Sure, now," said the priest, "an' we've got good Catholics in just about every country in the world."
"Nu," said the rabbi, "and ve haf landsmen in every country in the world, too ... except maybe some particularly vociferous Arab countries."
"Oh, yeah?" countered the father. "How about in Antarctica?"
"What? You think 'Iceberg' is a Presbyterian name?"

Breaking In Is Hard To Do

2005-01-30T05:30:00.000-05:00

Mort Goldsmith was a crusty and cynical old talent agent.
He's sitting in his 13th-floor New York office one day, reading the trades, and an enthusiastic young man enters, without an appointment.
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Yeah?"
The enthusiastic young man gushes, "Mr. Goldsmith, I've got an act with which you can make millions."
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Yeah?"
The enthusiastic young man gushes, "Yeah. Watch me."
He goes to the window, opens it, climbs up on the sill, leaps out ... and flies to the building across the street and flies back, landing on the sill of Mort's office, where he descends and walks to Mort.
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Do you do anything besides bird imitations?"