Thursday, March 17, 2005


Green and bear it

The Sligo-born Father O'Morrison's reputation for castigating the Brits from the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new parish of Boston, Mass., tired of his lambasting the Brits for the horrors they had inflicted upon the Irish for generations.
Ultimately, the Archbishop opted to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of Tennessee where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and care less. So knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."
Several weeks later, when Father O'Morrison stood at the pulpit to deliver his first sermon to his new congregation, the local bishop, who knew of O'Morrison's reputation, was in attendance to check up on him.
"My dear brethren," Father O'Morrison began, "this morning I'd like to talk about The Last Supper."
Not bad, though the bishop. Safe enough ground.
"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ knew He'd been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst sin of all. A sin never forgiven by God or man," thundered Father O'Morrison.
Fair enough, thought the bishop.
"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you, Peter,' He asked, 'who betrayed me?' 'Not I, my Lord,' answered Peter.
"'Was it you, John?' 'Not I, my Lord.'
"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who was sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. 'Was it you, Judas, who betrayed me?' asked Christ, and Judas responded, 'Wot? Me? Blimey! Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud.'"

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Hoot, mon

According to the hysterical records, bagpipes were invented by the Irish, who gave them to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
In Scotland, the definition of "a gentleman" is "someone who can play the bagpipes -- and doesn't."
Why do bagpipers march so fast? Trying to get away from that noise.


Kids, just skip this one

Bing Crosby and Phil Harris were on tour in Scotland and they went on an overnight expedition, grouse hunting or fishing or something.
In the dark, they spied a factory with lights all ablaze. Looking closer, they saw it was a distillery.
Crosby said to Harris, "Well, Phil, it looks as if that place is making it faster than you can drink it."
"Maybe so," rasped Harris, "but you notice I got 'em working nights."

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