Friday, February 11, 2005

 

What do you get ...?

When you cross a spider with a horse? I don't know what it's called but the scientist who performed the research was able to ride it to the hospital when it bit him.
When you cross a sponge with a potato? Again I don't know its name, and it tastes terrible, but it sure soaks up a lot of gravy.
When you cross a rooster with a rooster? Two cross roosters.

 

Seeing is ...

Dan Landrum (http://www.danlandrum.com) has become a world-renowned performer on the hammered dulcimer.
In his younger days, as a student at a Seventh-day Adventist college in Tennessee, he was having a religious discussion with an interested non-Adventist.
Landrum told his friend, "People ask me, 'Do you believe in dancing?' and I tell them, 'Believe in it! Why, I've seen it with my own eyes!'"

Thursday, February 10, 2005

 

Icy blood?

It's not widely known, but the University of North Dakota Medical School was the site of the world's first appendix transplant.
UND is known across the world for its aeronautics training, and students come from many countries to attend.
Some students are sent by their governments for training as pilots.
The UND School of Aeronautics earned part of its reputation when research scientists on the staff invented the world's first ejector seat for helicopters.
For some reason, though, it was not given a patent.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

 

Bombing

Again in the news is the group known as ETA, which wants to separate its community from Spain.
What the so-called "news" media continue to refuse to tell the rest of the world is that ETA has a very stringent rule for its members: Every one joining ETA must -- MUST -- have two back doors in his home.
The ETA leaders want to be sure, in case of a raid by the Spanish police or army, that they don't get caught with all their Basques in one exit.

 

Happy New Year

We've paraded the dragon, shot off the fireworks, drunk our toasts -- and I'm STILL writing "4071" on my chekcs!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

 

Take two jokes and call me ...

Going to the doctor to learn of the lab results, the man is told by his doctor, "I've got bad news and worse news."
The man collapses on the chair, and says, "Well, start with the bad news."
Doctor: "The lab results tell me you have 24 hours to live."
The man is nearly prostrate now. "My heavens! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor: "I should have told you yesterday."


Monday, February 07, 2005

 

A few days late, still ...

February 2 was Groundhog Day and also the State of the Union Address.
It was an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a subterranean rodent.

 

Tradition

In Fayetteville, Tennessee, a tow truck driver tells this story. "I went to the scene of a rear-ender collision on the highway leading to Huntsville. A farmer heading home had turned off the highway but his pickup got smacked in the rear.by a car. I got there just in time to hear the Highway Patrol officer ask, 'Zeke, did you signal your turn?' Zeke answered, 'Wull, whyfore I gotta signal? Heck, I been turning there for 23 years!'"

Saturday, February 05, 2005

 

Parlee Voo Franglay?

When the Boston lady got separated from the rest of her tour group, so she could check a very frou-frou boutique, the guide miscounted and signaled the bus driver to head for the next stop.
The Bostonian saw the bus driving away and hastily grabbed her French-English dictionary.
"Attendez, garcon," she shouted, madly thumbing through it. "Je ... suis ... gauche ... derriere."

Friday, February 04, 2005

 

Praise him from ...

Two guards, a U.S. Marine and a Cuban military policeman, were patrolling the fence separating the United States holding and the rest of Cuba when they came to a pause across from each other.
After chatting a few minutes, the Marine looked at his watch, yawned, and said, "I'll be off duty in another hour, thank God."
The Cuban also looked at the Marine's watch and said, "I'll be off duty in an hour, too, thank Castro."
"'Thank Castro'?" echoed the Marine. "That seems like a strange prayer. What would you say if Castro were dead?"
"Thank God."

 

What kind of pun-ishment?

Didja hear about the economics student who is either geographically ignorant or is a potential banker to avoid?
He said the richest country in the world must be Ireland. After all, its capital has been Dublin for years.
Then there was the California high school student who bragged that she could name all the capitals of all the states.
Someone who wanted to give her a hard one asked, "What is the capital of Vermont?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "It's 'V.'"

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

 

Lawyers joke?

State court judge Woody Smith, speaking to a group in Albuquerque several years ago, ended his talk by asking, "Do you know how many lawyer jokes there are?"
Naturally the numbers guessed at were huge, but Judge Smith contradicted: "No, no. There are only three. All the rest are true stories."

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

 

Two chances

Besides the two old-party candidates themselves, the best joke of the 1992 presidential campaign was this one, told by Arkansas' Bill Clinton: We had an old boy back in Hope, was a veterinarian and a taxidermist; his motto was, Either way, you get your dog back.

 

Uncredited

This man walks into a saloon in suburban Zebulon, Georgia, carrying a dog under his arm.
He sits on a stool at the bar, and lays his dog onto the bar.
The bartender, coming over to take his order, notices the little dog doesn't have any legs.
He asks, "What would you like?"
The man asks for two beers, one in a saucer.
The bartender brings them, sets the saucer, without being told, in front of the legless dog.
He stands there, waiting to see if the man starts any conversation. The man doesn't.
B: "Say, that's an interesting looking dog."
M: "Yep."
B: "I see he doesn't have any legs."
M: "Nope."
Pause.
B: "Uh, what's his name?"
M: "Doesn't have one."
B: "Doesn't have one?"
M: "Nope."
B: "Why not?"
M: "If I called him, he wouldn't come."


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