Sunday, January 30, 2005

 

Nu's on first?

So the rabbi and the priest were going into the Golden Dragon Chinese Buffet and the priest says, "Sure, and we've got Catholics in China, too. Are there any Jews there?"
Rabbi Goldstein paused at the entrance and, looking at Father O'Kelly, said, "I don't know. Maybe I can ask the waiter."
So they sat down and when the waiter came over to take their drink orders, the rabbi asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter bowed apologetically and answered, "I not know. I ask cookie. He know evlything."
When the two diners had got their plates and returned to the table, the waiter came back with their tea and told them, "Cookie say there are olange juice, apple juice, and tomato juice, but no Chinese Jews."


 

Change

The befuddled Marxist orator (but is there any other kind?) was denouncing the evil capitalist system:
"Under capitalism, men oppress their brothers.
"But under communism, it is just the reverse!"


 

Pollster

The man from the Trotter Poll approached the farmhouse, knocked, and was greeted by the farmer's wife.
"Madam, I'm conducting a poll to learn the political leanings of people. May I ask the politics of everyone in this home?"
The lady thought a moment, than answered, "Well, my mother-in-law is a Republican, my father-in-law is a Democrat, I'm a Libertarian, my husband's a Green."
She thought another moment, and continued, "The baby's wet, the cow's dry, and the dog's a Socialist."
The pollster, busy scribbling, was taken a bit aback.
"Uh, ma'am, I understand about your in-laws, and your being a Libertarian, and your husband's being a Green. And I think it's kinda funny about the baby's being wet and the cow dry, but what do you mean your dog's a Socialist?"
"Oh, I mean he doesn't do anything all day but sit around and howl."


 

Comparisons

Father O'Kelly and Rabbi Goldstein are friends and enjoy bickering about the merits of their respective religions, each knowing his was superior and trying constantly to impress that fact upon the other.
At their weekly lunching together, they've entered Golden Coral restaurant, each claiming his religion is more widespread than the other's.
"Sure, now," said the priest, "an' we've got good Catholics in just about every country in the world."
"Nu," said the rabbi, "and ve haf landsmen in every country in the world, too ... except maybe some particularly vociferous Arab countries."
"Oh, yeah?" countered the father. "How about in Antarctica?"
"What? You think 'Iceberg' is a Presbyterian name?"


 

Breaking In Is Hard To Do

Mort Goldsmith was a crusty and cynical old talent agent.
He's sitting in his 13th-floor New York office one day, reading the trades, and an enthusiastic young man enters, without an appointment.
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Yeah?"
The enthusiastic young man gushes, "Mr. Goldsmith, I've got an act with which you can make millions."
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Yeah?"
The enthusiastic young man gushes, "Yeah. Watch me."
He goes to the window, opens it, climbs up on the sill, leaps out ... and flies to the building across the street and flies back, landing on the sill of Mort's office, where he descends and walks to Mort.
Mort continues sitting crustily at his desk and mutters, "Do you do anything besides bird imitations?"


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